Johnny Moped

Act Two: Catching up

starring Johnny Moped, Martin Newell and Xerxes

Enter Martin Newell.and Xerxes.

Martin: Where are you from then?

SS: That’s the second time someone’s asked me that, Scunthorpe.

Martin: (A bit pissed, it must be said) Scunthorpe is a really good gig. We did this free festival and the audience looked really poor, and I took loads of crates of free lemonade from the dressing room and gave them some. I’ve got nothing but good memories ot Scunthorpe. There are a lot of warm people in Scunthorpe....l’m reasonably articulate when I haven’t been drinking.

SS: Where do you live now Johnny?

Johnny: South Croydon.

Xerxes: Still having arguments with the mother in law?

Johnny: I constantly have arguments with the mother in law. It’s become an occupational hazard.

Xerxes: What particular part of your persona is she not enamoured with?

Johnny: She thinks I’m a slob. She thinks I can’t provide for Brenda, cos we haven’t got our own place yet.

Xerxes: How is Brenda, is she still working?

Johnny: She’s not working. She hasn’t worked fun the last seven or eight bloody years.

Xerxes: Are you getting a lift home tonight. How did they get you up here. They didn’t have to kidnap you did they? That was always the bit about the band that I remembered with most affection. Putting dark crepe paper round the car, putting barraclavas on and going in to kitchens with dark glasses on and stealing their favourite kitchen porter. So when’s the next gig?

Johnny: Dunno.

Xerxes: You’ve lost your Motorhead Born To Lose badge.

Johnny: That was a classic. I didn’t come by these badges myself...Where’s the rest of my band gone?

Xerxea: They’ve probably all gone to a swish restaurant to spend all the money they’ve eamt.

Capt: Is Johnny going to come and meet his audience?

Exit Captain with Johnny Moped.

Act 3: A misunderstanding, with death threats

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Johnny Moped

Act Two: Catching up

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