Johnny Moped

Act Three: It's like the Eighties never happened

starring Xerxes

The shot tightens to frame Xerxes and the Narrator.

Xerxes: It’s like the eighties never happened. I’ll tell you how he first came to notice. What happened was, Raymond (Capt) had a friend called Cox, and he said that he used to hang around with these hell’s angels called.the Road Rats, and he’d met this amazing bloke, who they used to pick up after hed finished work, hence the Hells Angels’ tattoos. They used to pick him up when he’d just got paid. They used to take him on the back of their bikes for about 30 yards, and Johnny used to give them all his money. So the Road Rats were quite enamoured by Johnny. So through Cox. Ray met Johnny, and it was so obvious that he was a rock star.

I can only describe it as, someone once said if you put John Arlott in a field, eventually a test match would grow around it. Well it was a bit like that with Johnny, cos it was obvious that the man had so much talent. And although people didn’t have that much idea about forming a hand at that stage, it was obvious that Johnny was the catalyst for it. And it sort of grew from that. It was never a question of rehearsing or anything like that, it was just a question of letting him loose in front of a microphone, and us doing the rest of it behind him, and just letting it grow organically. And it was really strange cos this must have been around ‘71 and people used to say we really sounded like the Velvet Underground. And we didn’t even know what the Velvet Underground sounded like. I suppose over the years it grew out of that.

Raymond got his job cleaning toilets and met Chris (Rat). Anyway, we played some gigs in Croydon, and people who could play their instruments used to laugh at us. And all of a sudden, not that we changed one iota, instead of people laughing at us they began writing long essays on us, which was quite strange.

SS:I never knew that Rat was in the band.

Xerxes: Well, they played a one off once in the Vortex. We used to support the Damned a lot though. It was when the band weren’t doing anything and Rat thought he’d give Moped a hit of a hand. It was just quite strange that from playing the same old shit for years, like every band who plays R&B ‘in a pub, only we weren’t as good as that...

SS: You had your own peculiar charm

Xerxes: I suppose you could say that It was very much a Croydon thing. People who have never worked with Moped or known him have this peculiar affection for him.

SS: Paternal almost.

Xerxes: Well, I dunno about that. A. brotherhood almost. It’s strange because a friend was telling me that a lot of bands who came over from. the US, like Dinosaur, and even The Ramones in the 70’s, were big fans of Moped. Why? How they ever heard him, we have absolutely no idea. It is odd, that such an untalented bunch of people are still held in such affection.

SS: Well, there were a few out there tonight.

Xerxes: I was out the front when he started off, and there were all these blokes of about 35, who knew every word. They knew the songs better than .Moped did.

SS: I’ve never seen so many genuinely old people pogo in my life.

Xerxes: There were several geriatrics who gobbed on me.

SS: What about him not being allowed to go to rehearsals by his missus?

Xerxes: We did actually have to sign a contract with her once, with Brenda, saying we would not play a gig outside of Croydon without her express permission. That was after a patiiculliarly unpleasant scene in some public toilets, when she dragged him down the ladies to prevent us kidrespping him.

SS: So ifs true, you literally had to kidnap him for each gig?

Xerxes: Oh yeh. The first proper Moped gig as the Johnny Moped Band was at the Hope and Anchor in ‘77, supporting the Damned. We actually went on to annoy people. but we didn’t, they actually liked it. We used to get so much stick because we couldn’t play Genesis songs. The big turning point was when we played this Free Festival at Bold Heights. We played there and Johnny always used to take his bloody hohdns in Bulgaria. Well it was the cheapest place you could go. I think it’s cheaper than Gt. Yarmouth. And he always used to miss it. And it was weird cos we got a favourable write up in the Croydon Advertiser, and we could not believe it. Anywav three years running he went on holiday during this free festival, he's nothing if not a man regular in his habits.

SS: But you always played under different names didn’t you?

Xerxes: Oh yeh. Johuny Moped and the Iron Brains, Paula Halford’s Wooden Underpants.

SS: Was this so that Brenda wouldn’t find out?

Xerxes: No, we just used to like.changing the name of the band. But our only prestigious gig in Croydon and he used to take his holidays. And so the backing band used to have to do the best they could. Then we’d tell him how good it was and that he shouldn’t have missed it. We never really changed but suddenly we came in to fashion. The thing with Moped is, it’s never really been done very carefully. I ’d like to see it done carefully one day cos would go really well with big ballads. Working big ballads with that fucking awful voice. He used to work in these bloody awful factories with these sulphur
fumes coming up. He used to do electroplating, sticking lumps of metal in acid and stuff like that and having to stand over it and you’d get the most brilliant vocals at the weekend, cos his lungs were so full of gunk. Sulphur voiced Johnny Moped. The first ever Johnny Moped gig was at a talent contest on. Brixtock Road in Thornton Heath And he was brilliant.

SS: Sorry, what did you play?

Xerxes: I used to play sax and sing. This was about 1971 and there was a miner’s strike, and all the electricity got cut off. The first group was catted Genetic Breakdown. That was when everyone came together. You may not believe it but Ray (Capt) used to be a very shy retiring boy. I can actuallv remember the night of our first gig. Trying to get him out of his sick bed, and him saying I’m too ill to play.

sounds of partying and breaking glass in the main bar, for ambience

Act 4: A misunderstanding, with death threats

Style [ Standard ] [ Cool Blue ] [ Tropical ] [ Hangover ] [ Text ] [ BIG Text ]

Johnny Moped

Act Three: It's like the Eighties never happened

Related Pages: