Johnny Moped

Act Four: A misunderstanding, with death threats

starring Xerxes and Kirsty MacColl

The door opens

Kirsty: Could I come in please?

Xerxes: I’m afraid the talent’s gone.

Kirsty: I know, they’re all out the front minding my drinks. is there a toilet in here. Oh good.

SS: Er, it’s a fascinating story, have you sold the film rights yet?

Xerxes: The second talent in the hand unfortunately threw himself under a train at Thorpe Mead Station.

Kirsty (From the toilet): Fred?

Xerxes: Yeh, Freddie, Mills win the family name.

Kirsty: I thought Bachelor was the family name.

Xerxes: No, you’ve get the wrong one.

Kirsty: I thought Fred was Dave’s brother?

Xerxes: Noooo.

Kirsty: Oh. Chrissie Hynde christened them Berk didn’t she?

SS: I thought she was turning up tonight?

Kirsty: I spoke to her earlier and she’s stuck in the studio. She said she’d try and get down here. I said whaddya mean you’ll try to get down here. And she said she’s been stuck in the studio and she’s had so much trouble getting anything done cos of her kids, and they’ve got to got it done tonight. So she said she’d get down if she could. if she can’t she said she’d like to know about the next one.

SS: So there is a next one?

Kirsty: Well, as long as it’s alright with Brenda, he’s got to have permission.

Xerxes: Well, you’ll have to have a word with her woman to woman or something, it’s his mother in law you’ve got to watch.

Kirsty: Well he didn’t marry his mother in law, he married Brenda.

Xerxes: Have you met Brenda?

Kirsty: No.

Xerxes: Well then.

Kirsty: Well, everyone’s having a great time so why don’t they do a gig every weekend.

Xerxes: You should meet Brenda.

SS: Can’t you offer him loads of dosh?

Xerxes: Who’s gonna give him loads of dosh.

Kirsty: What’s your name?

Xerxes: I’m John. Well, actually I’m Xerxes.

Kirsty: I know Xerxes. I used to work in Bonaparte Records.

Xerxes: Did you really. 1 used to buy all my records from there.

Kirsty: I used to run the mail order, and they used to let us rehearse in them at night. And I was in the Drug Addix. I was Mandy Doubt.

SS: Watch out, there’s a tape recorder running.

Kirsty: Fuck you then (Screams in to tape recorder) Baaaaastaaaard! Where you from?

SS: (That’s the third time now), Scunthorpe.

Kirsty: That’s alright. You don’t work for the Melody Maker then?

SS: Certainly not madame.

Kirsty: Better not be the NME, cos I’ll fucking head butt you now y’bastard.

The door swings open again, enter Captain.

Capt: Bloody hell, Kirsty’s still here.

Kirsty: Yeh but I’ve got a drink out there so I’m off out now. Anyway, I’ve had a lovely time, it were fucking greeeet.

Exit Kirsty in search of her drink, followed by Captain

Act 5 : Every dream came true

Style [ Standard ] [ Cool Blue ] [ Tropical ] [ Hangover ] [ Text ] [ BIG Text ]

Johnny Moped

Act Four: A misunderstanding, with death threats

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